Cocktails & Apologies

As women and those who identify as women, way too often I hear the words "I'm sorry" … constantly throughout the day, often for the most insignificant things. It makes me wonder why we feel the need to apologise so much. Sometimes it feels like we are apologising simply for existing.

Here is the thing, I see it everywhere. In shopping centres and coffee shops, in text messages and on phone calls. I hear it from women in their twenties and women in their sixties. Yes, there was the generation of children who were taught to be seen and not heard, and who have spent a lifetime finding their voice. But it goes well beyond that, because I see it in my teenage daughters too. It is multi-generational, but it is not multi-gender. This pattern appears most prevalent in women and women-identifying people, and that is not a coincidence.

The cocktail rule

When I first met Toni (my partner), she called me out on my unnecessary "I'm sorry" and told me I owed her a beer. Well, here's the thing, I am gluten free and I do not drink beer, gluten free or otherwise. So, I upgraded it to a cocktail. This has become our little inside joke, one we make sure everyone knows about. When we hear an unnecessary "I'm sorry," we call it out with one word: cocktail.

It might sound like frivolous fun, but in reality what it does is create awareness around something that has become a reflex. And awareness, as I always say, is where everything begins.

I want to be clear though, this is not about being hard on yourself or beating yourself up. It is about coming from a place of curiosity. Gentle, kind, non-judgmental curiosity.

So why do we do it?

But why do we feel the need to say "I'm sorry" when it is completely unnecessary?

For generations, women have been encouraged to make themselves smaller. To hide away. To not use their voice. To put others before themselves, always. We are the carers, the nurturers, the people-pleasers. We carry so much, often quietly and without acknowledgment.

We have the honour and the privilege of bringing life into the world, and as mothers, carers, and nurturers we often carry the majority of the load, from infant, to child, to teenager, to young adult and beyond. And this is true whether you have birthed a baby, chosen to mother a child as your own, or not. As women, we are wired to put the needs of others before our own.

And over time, "I'm sorry" becomes the verbal expression of that. It is a way of shrinking. Of softening our presence so that others feel more comfortable. Of asking for permission to take up space that is already ours.

The over-apologising is not a character flaw. It is a conditioned response, one that has been quietly reinforced over decades, through culture, through the way we were raised, through the subtle (and not so subtle) messages that told us our needs mattered less. When we apologise for things that don't warrant an apology, we are not being polite, we are unconsciously reinforcing a story that says I am a burden. I am too much. I need to make myself smaller.

And here is the thing about constant, reflexive apologies, they dilute the real ones. When everything is "I'm sorry," nothing is. The genuine apologies, the ones that really matter, the ones that repair and restore, they lose their weight.

A gentle invitation

So here is something I would love you to try. Just notice. That's it, no judgment, no pressure, just start to observe. How many times today did you say "I'm sorry" when you actually didn’t mean it? When you bumped into an inanimate object. When you asked a perfectly reasonable question. When you simply walked into a room.

You don't have to fix it immediately. Just notice. Because awareness is the very first step.

And if you find yourself reading this and thinking oh, this is so me, if the over-apologising is just one piece of a bigger pattern of putting yourself last, shrinking yourself, or struggling to show up with confidence, then I want you to know that this is exactly the kind of thing we work through together in coaching.

You don't have to keep doing it the way you've always done it.

If you're curious about what it might look like to start taking up the space you deserve, I'd love to invite you to book a complimentary discovery call. No pressure, no obligation, just a conversation. What are you waiting for?

Book Your Complimentary Discovery Call